Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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