You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
