She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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