I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
