Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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