the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
