Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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