I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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