when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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