If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
