It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
