The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
