did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
