it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
