WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
