he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
