Your face is a jimmy john
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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