Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
