i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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