Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
nutella sex= disaster
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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