Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
