peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
