I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I think I just sharted jello shots
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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