You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
