I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
