last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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