Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
