1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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