she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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