Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
