so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
