You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
