I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
