we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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