My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
