I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
