I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
