worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
