Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
