I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Tell her she can't have a vagina
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
