my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
