i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
