I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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