i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
