And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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