Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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