I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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