How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
