Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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