youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
