Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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